Losing Myself

Dear Painful Ears,

Apologies for once again going on about my turmoil.

I am, indeed back home as I believe the move was not right - it was a country going through political changes which obliviously filters through and will only make me move up and down on that ladder. Overall, it does feel like I have been cheated to go but at least I managed to enjoy fabulous office dramas!!

More importantly, I disagree with their work ethnics. A production was looking for a production assistant so I put myself forward only to find out it was unpaid for at least two weeks. I declined. Regretted it? Slightly because it could possibly lead to something. However, a professional said, "if you knew you were going to need a production assistant then it should have been in the budgeting. Obviously, not done budgeting properly if you are now looking to fill a position for free." (Not the exact words but that was what she was meaning).

Key Point: if you are going to get work/ service from an employee then pay them fairly. Calling it work experience/ intern because of lack of funding is the same as child labour.

Reflections. I hate them but perhaps avoidance has got me to this state. Last night it occured to me that I have no skills, I am not qualified for any career. And so, I have created a dead end for myself.

Key Point: it is good to know a bit of everything but fluffiness doesn't build a foundation for a house.

Once again, I thought about giving up on Film & Television which means I am a statistics. Apparently from research and reviews, potential new entrants and women are discouraged to enter into this industry and consequently leads to a shortage in the future. But then, am I stubbornly wanting to enter this industry just to prove that it is possible for women to have a career in it?

Key Point: don't question yourself, it only leads to more unanswerable questions.

I have no plans because that's all my life is going to be - plans. It is the same as saying "I will try" - that is what you did "try". Plus, with plans there's deadlines, don't be a slave to time.

Just now I feel like I have left a part of my soul somewhere.

Come back to me, please....

...

Dear Confidence,

Where have you gone?

The worse thing, one person can have is self-doubt. It just makes you feel even  more lost than necessary. No matter how many "what should I do?" and "I'll ask X, Y, Z" it's down to you to decide what to do, which way to go.

I guess I am back to the same question: do I still still want to pursue my career in the film industry? If so, in what department? All I do know is that being here, stuck inside an office 24/7 really isn't my thing, I can't concentrate so nevermind being productive. I guess that's the start. However, the dream to be in the film industry is more than daunting. It seems unrealistic but how do they do it? [I'm sure you can tell the endless arguments I have in my head].

I actually turned to my 7 year old godson for advice, you know the younger they are the raw their words are, and he said I should continue pursuing my goal in the film industry and to get back home as soon as possible plus bring back an adapter so he can play with his tank. I guess I should listen to the wise one.

At moment, like what Mr Chandler Bing and Miss Rai Rai says, I should stay put until I figure what I want first. No impulsive decisions. Think before you act. And think I shall with a little research.

Lost so lost.