Losing Myself

Dear Painful Ears,

Apologies for once again going on about my turmoil.

I am, indeed back home as I believe the move was not right - it was a country going through political changes which obliviously filters through and will only make me move up and down on that ladder. Overall, it does feel like I have been cheated to go but at least I managed to enjoy fabulous office dramas!!

More importantly, I disagree with their work ethnics. A production was looking for a production assistant so I put myself forward only to find out it was unpaid for at least two weeks. I declined. Regretted it? Slightly because it could possibly lead to something. However, a professional said, "if you knew you were going to need a production assistant then it should have been in the budgeting. Obviously, not done budgeting properly if you are now looking to fill a position for free." (Not the exact words but that was what she was meaning).

Key Point: if you are going to get work/ service from an employee then pay them fairly. Calling it work experience/ intern because of lack of funding is the same as child labour.

Reflections. I hate them but perhaps avoidance has got me to this state. Last night it occured to me that I have no skills, I am not qualified for any career. And so, I have created a dead end for myself.

Key Point: it is good to know a bit of everything but fluffiness doesn't build a foundation for a house.

Once again, I thought about giving up on Film & Television which means I am a statistics. Apparently from research and reviews, potential new entrants and women are discouraged to enter into this industry and consequently leads to a shortage in the future. But then, am I stubbornly wanting to enter this industry just to prove that it is possible for women to have a career in it?

Key Point: don't question yourself, it only leads to more unanswerable questions.

I have no plans because that's all my life is going to be - plans. It is the same as saying "I will try" - that is what you did "try". Plus, with plans there's deadlines, don't be a slave to time.

Just now I feel like I have left a part of my soul somewhere.

Come back to me, please....

Crossroads

Dear Choices, choices, choices,

An eye-catching email was received two days ago. This successful Script Supervisor is finally holding her 2 days workshop in London, mid-July. I've been chasing this since December and finally she is doing it but I'm not even in the same continent. So frustrating. When I approached different working Script Supervisors they all recommended this course as it will equip me everything and should get me noticed. So what does one do? Did I choose the right thing to do or was I impulsive to leave home? I really should have waited for a bit...

On a completely different note, I have actually noticed that this year has so far been about being pushed out of my comfort zone. It's scary but exciting. But I'm not afraid because I have a great support team - where I am just now and even from my home. This is what you need in order to succeed in your dreams and these are the people I cannot forget. After all, when I decided to follow my dream you are joining me on this journey, when I get that OSCAR you all get a part of it too.

Confused.

Freaking Out

Dear Guidance,

7 days left. I freaked out during the early mornings of today. It all started when my friend said that I could have a skype interview rather than fly over, it would have been amazing as I wouldn't be abruptly leaving my life and seeing where things take me.

Logic: why the hell are you leaving your life for something you don't know? It's nothing to do with a guarantee, it's leaving and walking into darkness, gods know how and when you will find the light switch.

Instinct: You use your instinct, trial and error to find the light switch. For this there were too many good coincidence. You work in town and to find a parking space near work is a mission. You see a space but you don't take it, you see another but, again, you go pass it. Then around the corner, there is another - it's actually two spaces so you can just drive - you take it! When you feel that everything it helping you to go for something you don't know, go for it.

Well, I had a look at the jobs available and yes, I freaked out!! I read the requirements - F*&^%!! I can barely speak the language nevermind typing it. (What the hell am I thinking that I would be able to a job! I can't even get a job in my home country and I'm trying for something completely different). My good friend, Mr Skinny basically said, "surely when you look back there are some things you thought were impossible to do but you do". I'm thinking, "yup, you are right, I'm still trying to fly".

Just breathe. If I can drive a van and not die or crash, I can do this.

Breathe... the seed will be fine.

Impulsive?

Dear Faith,

I have been asked to fly abroad for the possibility of a job. Like any normal person, you ask the questions: what do you do, what's the position, pay, hours, contract? None were answered. Anyhow, I decided to be nosey and check the price for the flight - the cheapest being £580 if I leave in 12 days - anything after will be bumped up to £610. Yes, £30 makes a massive difference, that is my dinner or a pair of shoes! To go or not go?

I turn to Mr Skinny who is my rationale. Information first. Decision next.

No more information is provided. 10 days left.

Still having it hanging over my head. How do I get unpaid leave for 9 months in such short notice? And saying I'm pregnant, isn't an option as there is such thing as Maternity Leave.

9 days left. A discussion with my colleagues. Miss Bonjour, "Go!! You must go!! I am so jealous... I don't like 'what if's', it's just not the way to live life... You are just scared... Nothing in life is guaranteed... Most important thing, you tried and experienced plus you have a back up plan is nothing happens."
It's true nothing in life is guarantee but at least I can say I tried and lived. And so, I handed in my notice.

The most bizarre thing is the timing of everything. In September I planned on leaving my home but I got braces which meant I couldn't leave and so I delayed my plans. Turns out, the day I get the information about the job opening, my braces were out. Then I booked a week holiday from work which is the week I am supposed to be flying. Mr Sensitive, contacted me for a Sue Kick-Assing which turns out he didn't (I'm so happy because he doesn't need me anymore) and our date became my first day of saying goodbyes.

8 days left. I have booked my flight.

Mama K. I will see the world from outer space!!! LOL!

Just go with it!

Wind

Dear Guidance,

Maybe I should keep my options open. As I look through all these companies and their graduate scheme - can I actually apply considering I have graduated 3 years ago? Should I go and do a masters programme? But studying again...let's not.

What do you do? What do you do? What should I do?

Keep with the flow. What flow?


Very Ultimately Lost... x

Background

Dear Anyone with Light,

Let's just sum up my life,

After leaving High School, I hadn't a clue what I wanted to do but my Mama forced me to choose - full time employment or College. Education it was. I did well but like usual I gave up near the end, I still passed but not as well as I should. Then I realised what I wanted to study into further education.

1st - 3rd year university was great. I got myself a placement as a Project Manager for SME company and did actually quite well whilst going insane because of the routine I was leaving. Then I realised that "Hell, I'm young! I should do what I want to really do." I made myself complete the honour year and graduated. I don't remember applying to graduate schemes but I did fix my CV up for it.

10 months down the line, I got into an apprenticeship for Film and TV Industry. It was pretty good considering I knew what I wanted to do - Art Department. (This was probably a wrong decision, to specialise without knowing the industry). I enjoyed the shopping and setting up the scenes but I guess i got off the wrong foot with both co-ordinators of the scheme. I simply disagreed with their methods and advice.
NOTE: do not vocally or facially disagree with people. Keep the professional face and disagree when you get home.

14 months later, I float around aimlessly;  short films for people, an extra here and there. Then a year later. I get into another trainee scheme which helps people get into experience. So far, heard nothing. And then of course, the doubt comes in - what if I never get into the film industry? Should I just leave it and enjoy the fact that I slightly got myself in it, and then just look for a job which is 'easier to get'?


Lost.