Lost Soul

Dear Me,

At the moment, I am a lost soul. I know, I am wandering. I am so lost that what I feel is emptiness and I'm not even bothered finding a way out. Why? Because I'm too lost that I know I will be going round in a circle. I do believe in "do something to burn time" but this time it's different. I've spent too much time doing something for the sake of doing something. If life is a game, I'm going to tackle this stage with the equipment I have rather than look for new ones so what can I do with a knowledge for jewellery and watches, some interest in design and a bit of technical skill in crafting?

That's the thing, I've done too much of everything and now I'm looking for what makes me tick. I've made people worried including myself. I'm sorry. It will pass, I keep telling myself.

Patience. And some faith.



 

Losing Myself

Dear Painful Ears,

Apologies for once again going on about my turmoil.

I am, indeed back home as I believe the move was not right - it was a country going through political changes which obliviously filters through and will only make me move up and down on that ladder. Overall, it does feel like I have been cheated to go but at least I managed to enjoy fabulous office dramas!!

More importantly, I disagree with their work ethnics. A production was looking for a production assistant so I put myself forward only to find out it was unpaid for at least two weeks. I declined. Regretted it? Slightly because it could possibly lead to something. However, a professional said, "if you knew you were going to need a production assistant then it should have been in the budgeting. Obviously, not done budgeting properly if you are now looking to fill a position for free." (Not the exact words but that was what she was meaning).

Key Point: if you are going to get work/ service from an employee then pay them fairly. Calling it work experience/ intern because of lack of funding is the same as child labour.

Reflections. I hate them but perhaps avoidance has got me to this state. Last night it occured to me that I have no skills, I am not qualified for any career. And so, I have created a dead end for myself.

Key Point: it is good to know a bit of everything but fluffiness doesn't build a foundation for a house.

Once again, I thought about giving up on Film & Television which means I am a statistics. Apparently from research and reviews, potential new entrants and women are discouraged to enter into this industry and consequently leads to a shortage in the future. But then, am I stubbornly wanting to enter this industry just to prove that it is possible for women to have a career in it?

Key Point: don't question yourself, it only leads to more unanswerable questions.

I have no plans because that's all my life is going to be - plans. It is the same as saying "I will try" - that is what you did "try". Plus, with plans there's deadlines, don't be a slave to time.

Just now I feel like I have left a part of my soul somewhere.

Come back to me, please....

...

Dear Confidence,

Where have you gone?

The worse thing, one person can have is self-doubt. It just makes you feel even  more lost than necessary. No matter how many "what should I do?" and "I'll ask X, Y, Z" it's down to you to decide what to do, which way to go.

I guess I am back to the same question: do I still still want to pursue my career in the film industry? If so, in what department? All I do know is that being here, stuck inside an office 24/7 really isn't my thing, I can't concentrate so nevermind being productive. I guess that's the start. However, the dream to be in the film industry is more than daunting. It seems unrealistic but how do they do it? [I'm sure you can tell the endless arguments I have in my head].

I actually turned to my 7 year old godson for advice, you know the younger they are the raw their words are, and he said I should continue pursuing my goal in the film industry and to get back home as soon as possible plus bring back an adapter so he can play with his tank. I guess I should listen to the wise one.

At moment, like what Mr Chandler Bing and Miss Rai Rai says, I should stay put until I figure what I want first. No impulsive decisions. Think before you act. And think I shall with a little research.

Lost so lost.