Rock

To Bike Mechanic,

(20 mins and I still don't know what I am writing so I'm just going to write.)

You are many colours and yet can be cold and rough like a rock.

Yesterday, you really wanted to go hillwalking. I deliberately went for a much desired nap, I got up and still you wanted to go. I grudgingly drove back home to get my Wellies and jacket in  hope that the lateness would put you off. Still you wanted to go.

By the time we got to the hill it was 7pm. You still wanted to go. I knew you were stubborn and you really are indeed.

It was peaceful and fresh. In my head I found it difficult and uneasy because it was all "dirty". Nevertheless, I tried to hide it and followed your foot step. The moths and insects buzzing past me made it even more uncomfortable.

Heading back was simply dire. You choose a route where the footpath was hardly clear, green things whipping my cheeks, rubber soles can barely grip the new path. It felt like you were pushing my tolerance, trying to break me. I wanted to scream at you especially at your lack of consideration when you knew This was not my comfort zone!

I looked. I took notice. You stopped after speeding ahead at 4 metres away. Waiting me. Everytime I caught up, your eyes smiled and then you would slowly be 4 metres ahead.

This time, I noticed. I realised. This was your comfortable place. This is your place when you want to get away from everything- the bad stuff, the heart aches, the pain.. This is the place where I will find you.

I was the insensitive and inconsiderate one.

Perhaps it time for me to stop focussing on myself because that's clearly not working out for anyone. I've spent so long trying to figure and define myself that it's really doing the opposite.

Let me hold your hand.

Cookie xxx

Spring

Dear Spring,

Where did my snow go? I'm very upset about that.

March Reflections:

• Nothing really happened. It sort of whizzed past.
• Took part in a short. Who knew cardboard boxes is that hard to find (the secret to getting decent sized boxes is actually not from supermarkets, it's clothing retailers).
• [Oh My God!!! How could I forget...had to check my diary for this] I did the basic training for riding motorbikes. It was really difficult! I wanted to quit but perseverance got me there. I really want a semi-automatic scooter.

April Reflections:

• Was considering giving up a seeking a career within Media Production but I did this entry level training and it got me all refreshed but to be honest, I think it will be one of those 'activities' I do in my spare time. It's an activity which makes me tick almost like people doing paragliding in their freetime. And that's ok because it is my work-life balance, I suppose.
• Last year, I spread myself way too thin (working an average 46 hours per week) and that was learnt. This time round it's all about experience.
• Two things I have learnt this month (so far): people will say things which isn't to your liking but rather than roll your eyes and sulk about it, give it a chance, hear it from another's perspective - at the end you still have the choice whether to follow it or not; if you don't speak out they will never know, I've always wondered why I never got the promotion or the chance to do this and that, it turns out that my superiors gave it to someone else simply because they spoke their interest and I never did.

Things has been interesting. I've been trying to balance everything but it doesn't seem to working because I'm finding it difficult to spread my time with friends, family, other half and (of course) me so what I am doing is at least sending that text or making that phone call. Any advice?

I want snow!!!

Fast

Dear Time,

Why has November flew in? I can't even remember what I've done. Most importantly, I haven't done the stuff I really want to get done- mainly, gutting out the crap in the house. It has to be done, especially when the two hoarders bought more stuff. Logically, when something is damaged or broken and you buy a replacement, you throw out the old. Apparently, not, with those two. Keep it. Such attachment. It has no use. The purpose is over. Life mission has been completed. Now stop taking up a space!

Back on to monthly update. Yes a lot has happened across all aspects.

1. I didn't get the job that I wanted. Knew it. Can't always have what you want and  when I do get it, turns out it isn't so great. Hence, I stop wanting. It's not really the Want which disappoints me, it's when I build up this ideal of when I get what I want. Dreaming is what creates my disappointment. Naturally, I wanted to runaway having been rejected. Ridiculous, I know. I don't have a fear of rejection, it's when things don't turn out the way I imagine. Hence, no more dreaming, go with the flow.

2. Where I am working is just fine. The culture is very old-fashioned- customers are not always right. Giving them what they want only makes us, the employees look stupid, make us feel humiliated and plainly incompetent. However, I do enjoy my colleagues company and having a laugh with certain customers.

3. My colleagues from previous work came in to visit me. Usually when I leave a place it's just the end of the book an it's thrown to the bottom of the pile and forgotten. With this place, I think I have done something right. I actually formed good relationships possibly real relationships (who saved my butt for this short film).

(Totally forgot about this so I think this month is a merge of November and December.)

4. Love life? Things are moving nicely. It was unexpected. It's all a bit weird. Good weird though. We have pretty much nothing in common but I think our personality compliment each other in a good fit way even though we have opposite ways of doing things and thinking. Weird, I know. It works in a bizarre way. Not going to question it.

5. Once my contract is over. I'm not going to bother with looking for another job. I'm taking proper time out. It's not going to be like the time I left and went abroad. I'm going to properly take a break and just work on some "issues". In my head, I've been chasing this expectation but it's not my life, not everyone are meant to meet the same milestones at the same point in life. I do believe that there are some milestones I'm not suppose to have so why am I trying to meet it when it's obviously not right for me. Hence, I'm going to just readjust and be me. Do the things I have been meaning to do.

That's all for just now.

And thank you for the unexpected present.